By By Susan Yara

 

Ellen Berman, a mother of two, had a challenge to face when her younger child went off to college. Not only did she have to deal with her own emotions about the children leaving home, she had to tackle similar feelings in her husband, Perry.

"When my daughter left, I really missed her because we share a lot of girly interests, but she also did a lot of stuff with Perry that I wasn't interested in," the Philadelphia resident says. "So each of us lost a friend."

Empty nest syndrome, the profound sadness that can come when children grow up and move out, is usually associated with mothers. But, men also experience grief when the last child departs - a problem that can be compounded by other issues. At the same time as kids leave home, careers tend to start leveling off. And suddenly, there is an abundance of time with the wife - which isn't always positive.

Coping as a couple
There are, however, ways to make the transition easier - and even enjoyable. Coping as a couple is not only more efficient than going it alone, doing so can help avert marriage problems down the line. Divorce rates tend to rise when children leave home, says Dr. Arthur Kovacs, a clinical psychologist in Santa Monica, Calif.

"This is a time when the husband and wife need to draw closer if they can," he says. "Men are horrible about telling their feelings, and they often get annoyed at their wives if they are talking about it, so they become quite insensitive. It's an unfortunate dynamic."

The Bermans were at an unusual advantage because both are practicing psychiatrists; she is a family psychiatrist and clinical professor at the University of Pennsylvania in Philadelphia. Therefore, they were more prepared than most couples to begin restructuring their new life together and most importantly, to communicate.

"It was interesting to figure out what we were going to do," Berman says. "A couple really needs to talk about what the balance is between happy and sad, and what they want from their marriage."

Crucial communication
According to experts, communication is crucial during the beginning stages of empty nest, which usually lasts about six months. It is a time to hash out underlying issues in personal lives and relationships. Questions parents should ask include: Are there problems that haven't been addressed because of the children? Are the finances good? Do we want to spend more time together or even less?